Chapter 1

I'd like to be kissed once in my life. Her words floated across my brain as if they were in a PowerPoint presentation. Worse was the memory that wouldn't stop playing. Not at all like a broken record. Records can be stopped. I couldn't control this. I tried not to think of it, but it was relentless.

* * *

"David. . ."
I was sitting on the short stone wall, facing the school. She stood behind me to my left. I knew from the direction of her voice but I didn't look to see her. I was too busy thinking about my new idea for the art project. Too busy to turn and look at her.

* * *

I clicked off my bedside lamp, telling myself that I had to go to sleep. I couldn't help it though, as my finger moved the mouse towards the refresh button. The page loaded once more. Her picture was first, then the toolbar, followed by the rest of her page. No notifications. I sighed and shut my laptop perhaps a bit too forcefully. Still no notifications. Still no word.
I sat in front of my scrambled eggs the next morning. My fork was silver with a floral decoration on the end. I stared at it. I refused to touch it.
"Eat up," said my mom.
"Will you drive me?" I asked in return.
"You know, I can't drive you for the rest of the year, David. You're going to have to walk again at some point," Mom said gently.
"I know, but its not the s- just not today, okay?" I had to stop myself from saying that it wouldn't be the same. I mean, come on, what a cliché. It wouldn't be, though. Not without her.

* * *

"Mhmm. . . ?"
"David!"
"What?" I snapped. I was still upset with her for the other day. She hadn't even apologized. What was with that? I turn to look at her, an impatient scowl on my face.
She was just far enough away from me that I couldn't have touched her if I extended my arm. Too timid, I suppose, to approach me and stand next to me on the sidewalk. She hovered nervously by the curb.

* * *

I was silent in the car. As we passed the park I thought of all the times she and I sat on the benches together. Sometimes we would pass half an hour in silence, just looking. At the trees, at each other, at the world. Other days we made up stories about the squirrels or debated who was cooler: Harry Potter or Buffy. We often switched sides, each one of us changing our minds every week or so. Just last Saturday we giggled as she dragged me to the ground to make snow angels and strangers gave us curious looks.
Mom dropped me off outside the parking lot to avoid the traffic. I started walking towards school, but as soon as I knew my mom couldn't see me I stopped. I headed down the road just a bit, to a familiar patch of trees. I leaned against the thickest one. Sometimes when her dad wouldn't let her come to my house after school we would meet here for as long as possible instead. Sometimes I had to leave just to get her to go home. Five more minutes, she would tell me, but I knew that her dad would be mad. He got like that sometimes. He only had one daughter, he would say. She had grown up with two brothers and since last month she was the only girl in the house. She often complained to me  about it but I guess I didn't really get it, being a boy and all.
As hard as I wished, time still refused to slow down. Soon I had to face school for the first time with her gone. Walking toward the main doors I noticed her older brother, James. Our gazes met and without thinking I glanced down. I didn't know why I was embarrassed. When I glanced back up he was staring at the ground determinedly. I sighed.

* * *

Drawing breath to speak, she looked up at my face. Nothing was said though. Her hand flew to her lips and she looked into my eyes for the last time. It was then that I noticed the outfit.

* * *

School was awful without her. People in movies always talk about how having no friends is awful because you have no one to sit with at lunch. People in movies are idiots. By lunch I was already chock-full of self pity and loneliness, no room to worry about having no one to sit with. It was only made worse by the looks. Pitying glances from the teachers and some students, often with a bit of curiosity just barely hidden behind the empathy.  Each class I left, expecting to see her waiting for me in the hall, every corner I turned, waiting for her to jump out and laugh at the look on my face, was another lump of tears I had to swallow. When I passed a brunette in a floral dress on my way to History my heart did this weird thumpy thing where I could feel it in my brain and hear it in my ears. I had to pretend to tie my shoe because I was suddenly dizzy.

* * *

"What are you- why are you wearing that?" My voice came out harsher than I had intended. Seeing her in her mother's sundress had confused me. I was no longer mad at her, only scared. I knew why she refused to wear that dress. Why she had decided that no one should ever wear it. She looked down at herself, clutching the skirt of the dress and twisting her foot against the ground.

* * *

Waiting for my mom in the school parking lot at the end of the day, I felt like an idiot, a loser. Someone who isn't normal by a long shot. Normal kids don't get driven the 15 minute walk from their house to school and back every day. Normal kids don't get looks full of mixed feeling as they stand around after school because their mom has better things to do. Normal kids don't stand out in the wind rather than near the stone wall even though their ears might just fall off from the cold. Normal kids don't have friends who may or may not have killed themselves.

* * *

"Dav-" she started again softly. Something stopped her though. She gave a half-glance in my direction and then tore off, almost tripping over herself.
"Wait!" I cried, realizing my mistake.